One minute I feel like I am over it, but then the next minute I am sobbing, and shaking and struggling to breathe. Sometimes I push it away all day, but then it comes rushing back at the dead of the night.
No matter how hard I work and pray, there are some things that will never be, or may not be how and when I want them… but I know that peace is always available even in the toughest of times, if I choose to be still, I will find it…
Of the ones who slayed and the ones who got slain, of the ones who walk through life heads up and the ones who crawl with fingers fastened on the patched hard soil, of the ones who started early and bloomed early, and the ones who started early but bloomed late, of the ones living their dreams and the ones who will never get the happiness they truly deserve.
Pain became a part of me. Along with it came a heavy downpour of period blood. Stained cloths, stained seats, stained sheets – I left blood everywhere I went… I knew the fibroids had grown; I would lie on my back and touch one of them bulging right through…
In those nine months, they had grown from a couple who didn’t want to have children, to a couple who could not imagine their lives without ALL the three precious babies they were expecting.
Being equal to men does not mean becoming men – because I want a girl child to have access to education like a boy child doesn’t mean I want her to grow a penis.
For the most part of my teenage and early twenties, I was a very conservative Christian, who was made to believe in the ideal life a woman must live, and if a woman’s life does not follow that pattern it means ‘her own has finished!’
Women who didn’t get married ‘on time’, women who got pregnant before marriage, women who left their husbands, women who are outspoken and dared to challenge the norms, women who married but have no children etc – were looked at like they have defects.
By the time I reached my late twenties…..
It is a divine assignment given to me so I can bring some light and healing to the world.It is God’s gift to the world sent through me.
For a long time what he said about these couples influenced my perception of them, until two things happened. I heard what he was saying about my marriage behind me too and he got everything all wrong, more like he turned the whole story on its head! I also got closer to some of these couples and realized that things are not exactly as he had painted.
April 1, 2015 I shouldn’t be in here tonight, I should be out there having fun and being grateful for all the many blessings life has given me in the past one year, but like every other birthdays, I like my nights quiet. Tonight I take a pause from my successes; I am counting my many tears and listening to my fears. All my fears.
January 1, 2015 One of my favorite things in 2014 is Nashville, an American musical drama TV series. I find the complex relationship between Rayna Jaymes and Deacon Claybourne very titillating – the romantic attraction that pulls them together and the many complications that push them apart. All at the same time.