All The Things That Happened To Me After My Mother Died

 

My mother passed on 17 months ago aged 63 years. One day I am going to write about her life and her death, but not today. Today, I write about the overwhelming pain of loss I felt and still feel. Today, I write about this thing called grief.

In this post I will be focusing on the things I experienced at different times especially in the first one year after her death. In another post coming later,  I will share how I have been able to deal with some of these things and how I am finding healing and purpose in the pain.

We all don’t experience or deal with loss in the same way, so I do not imply everyone has or will go through these after loss, this post is just me sharing my own experience and also hoping to be of help to someone who is going through the same.

 

Cocktail Of Emotions

There are so many beautiful memories of my mother, so many amazing moments of joy and answered prayers we shared with her. She did a lot of good and had beauty and love in her life, but in the days and weeks after her death, I did not remember any of those. All I could think about were the things that went wrong, the things that could have happened and the things that never became. It was a cocktail of emotions and feelings – anger, regret, shock,  helplessness, and more.

Sleep

I have suffered severe sleeping problems for some years, I have problems falling asleep and staying asleep at night. This changed in the months following my mother’s death. In the first six months, one of the things I found easy to do was sleep. When  pain rushed at me, I shut it down with sleep. Sleep was an escape at this time.

Nothingness

Sometimes I just did nothing. Not working, not sleeping, not fiddling with my mobile phone, not watching TV or reading a book, I just stayed at home for hours, doing absolutely nothing.   I never knew I could find so much comfort in nothingness.

No Gratitude

I keep a gratitude bowl, I write one thing I am grateful for every day and drop it in my bowl as often as I could. This became really hard to do in the months after I lost my mum, every time I wanted to write something I was grateful for, I remembered my mother’s death and suddenly it all paled in comparison to my loss. I remembered after the funeral I wanted to drop a gratitude note for safe journeys but then I thought if she had not died people wouldn’t have needed to travel with us anyway. Crazy? I know!

Absent Mindedness

So bad I had to stop driving for a while! I struggled to keep my mind where it needed it to be.

God

I have talked to God about so many things in the past 17 months, but I still haven’t been able to talk to him about my mother’s life and death. I just can’t yet.

Fear

I know everyone will eventually die but to know is one thing, to experience it by losing someone really close is another. This experience brought fear, in the first few months I was so afraid of losing someone else. I felt,  if she could die, anyone can die. I can die.  I was so afraid of death.

Physical pain

I had this heaviness in my chest, so heavy I could literally feel the pain.  There were times I thought I was having a heart attack, I did x-rays and tests, and they all came out clear. Maybe they were panic attacks, I don’t know. I never knew an emotional pain could be so intense to cause physical pain.

Exhaustion

Ha! I can’t even describe this one. Utter exhaustion!

Trauma

The events of the last few days before her death were distressing. I didn’t know how traumatized I was until these memories started replaying in my dreams every night for a very long time.

Reminders

One day at the airport an elderly woman was complaining about people jumping the long queues, and I started shedding tears. I can’t explain it. For a long time, random things would just remind me of her and I would feel my chest tightening and a lump in my throat.

No Control

I have never been out of control in my life as I was in the months after my loss. I lost control of my emotions, I snapped at people,  I was easily offended, I was angry. I lost discipline in many areas of my life as well. I was totally out of control for some time.

No More…

ID and Crime Investigation were my favourite TV channels; I could spend hours watching one story of horror after another, and another. When my mother died I just could not, I still cannot. For a long time, I also could not listen to gospel songs, I don’t know why but they made me so emotional.

Talk

After my mum died, many people knew a lot more about me than they have ever known. I always wanted to talk about her, about my family and my life. I just wanted to talk.

Dreams

I go to bed looking forward to seeing her in my dreams. I just wanted to know she is okay and happy where she is. I needed a sign so much but I still haven’t gotten one.

My Father

My heart was broken for my father, it still is. I wish I can take all his pains away.

Lost

For some time, I felt completely lost in life. I doubted so many things I once believed and had so many questions about life and why we are really here.

 

Thank you for reading. Please don’t forget to join my mailing list so you can be notified whenever I publish a new post or have news to share!

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My name is Shola, drawing from my own life experiences I write about emotional wellness, living an authentic life and finding purpose in life’s pain.

To read more about me sholaokubote.com/about

Want to keep in touch? Connect with me on Instagram @sholaokubote

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May 22, 2019

About author

Shola Okubote

My name is Shola Okubote, I am the Founder of Woman.ng You can reach me on shola@woman.ng Twitter – @sholaokubote, and Instagram – sholaokubote

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Comments(14)

  1. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Ogbonnaya Martha Ginikachukwu says

    IT remind me about my wonderful parent😭😭😭may their soul and the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace Amen

  2. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] M A Odunola Ore says

    I lost my Mum @ age of 5 or 6yrs and my Dad @age of 15 plus going to 16 no mother’s care at all I feel pains when ever I remember my parents throughout that day I will not be happy or seeing my friends parents around I felt so hurt not having mine

  3. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Mary Ugbizi-ashindoitiang says

    Take heart dear. May her soul RIP. Mine is one month plus and it keeps beating my imagination each passing day. My dear it is well.

  4. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Rosemary Etormi says

    Take heart dear it happen to me when I lost my husband very painful

  5. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Mercy Inegbedion says

    Be strong dear. My mom died at the age of 63 too, 3 years ago. It was not easy but God is helping us. Put your trust in God. He will never fall you.

  6. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Favour Pius says

    U said it all,u make me remember my lovely dad and my sister husband who died the same year 216,if cry or pain can bring them but rather no, it was God who comfort me, how I get over I don’t know but God knows,he will comfort you,my she rest in peace, remain blessed dear

  7. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Sharon Matthew says

    Mum died 24 years ago and my Dad 8 years. God’s grace has kept me.

  8. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Olufunke O-Emmanuel says

    I understand how you feel the same way I felt when I lost my own sister,parents & a younger brother.

  9. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Oyekanmi Boskid says

    Take heart dear I remember my late mum and my step father dat dead in d same day hmmmm may they are souls rest in peace

  10. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Chioma Taiwo says

    Mine is over 30years, and to is just like yesterday take heart pls.

  11. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Rita Divine says

    take heart my dear is like that when I lot my father 1999 up till now I still feel him

  12. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Chinwa Walter says

    My dear, take heart my self as am talking to you, this month, marks 6 months I lost my first son and am still alive, God will fight the battle for his children so take heart OK, it is well.

  13. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Sunday Bukky says

    Take heart 💞 my dear God is with me my mom 👩 die pass 🎫 15 year my God is with me God will be with u also may her soul rest in perfect peace IJN amen

  14. REPLY

    [comment from facebook] Idah Abigail says

    God is ur strength OK I am self I loss my father and my only sister dat I have on earth god knows the best time for us

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