My Name Is Shola, And You Are Not The Woman That I Am

This post was first published on Woman.NG 

Today I am writing on two of my life truths. Here they are!

Our Life Journeys Are Different, We Will Not All Walk The Same Path

For the most part of my teenage and early twenties, I was a very conservative Christian, who was made to believe in the ideal life a woman must live, and if a woman’s life does not follow that pattern it means ‘her own has finished!’ Women who didn’t get married ‘on time’, women who got pregnant before marriage,  women who left their husbands, women who are outspoken and dared to challenge the norms,  women who married but have no children  etc – were looked at like they have defects. By the time I reached my late twenties, life had happened to me – I watched the ‘ideal’ life I had planned, prayed for and worked hard to achieve since I was a teenager pass me by. Here  I am on another path that I never even knew existed!

I experienced it firsthand that, life will not always follow the same path for every woman, and I learned to appreciate my life’s journey and to respect other women for theirs’. Life happens for us in different ways and at different times, and sometimes, it has absolutely nothing to do with how smart or good we are. Also, because someone’s life has not followed a particular course or your own course does not mean the person is a failure, what if that is actually their own right path to success? My truth is, there is no ideal woman, and no, I don’t believe the Proverbs 31 woman is the standard of success every woman must attain to, but that is an article for another day.

All Women Don’t Want The Same Things And That Is Perfectly Okay

All women don’t want the same things, shouldn’t want the same things and won’t have the same things. That is why I don’t like the question “What do women want?”  – We don’t all want the same things! I have five sisters, and as similar as our childhood experiences were, we all wanted different things in life, because we are six different individuals with different personalities and dreams.

I can tell you what Shola wants, but what I want is not and does not have to be the same as what the woman sitting next to me wants.

Some women want to get married; some women want to be single. Some women want children, some women don’t want children. Some women want to marry men that will be their boss; some women want to marry men that will be an equal. Some women want 50 friends, some women want 5 friends. Some women want to build empires; some women just want to support someone who wants to build an empire. Some women want to cook every single meal; some women want to hire someone to do them. Some women want sex once a month, some women want sex every day.

You get it? You really should!

Our lives  as women can never be a one size fits all. Someone once tried to make me feel inadequate because I said I don’t like cooking. I know how to cook, but I cook as a matter of survival not because I enjoy it. Apparently this means I am not a complete woman, because she believes a complete woman must enjoy and love cooking! But because one woman enjoys it doesn’t mean every other woman must – we are different. By whose standard do we measure if a woman is complete or not? What on earth does that even mean?

I am daily learning to respect other women’s choices and not use my own choices and preferences to judge them. I don’t expect others to do things because it is the womanly thing to do. I respect them for doing what they believe is right for them as an individual.


This post was first published on Woman.NG and it has been shared 948 times

About author

Shola Okubote

My name is Shola Okubote, I am the Founder of You can reach me on Twitter – @sholaokubote, and Instagram – sholaokubote

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  1. REPLY

    Ronke adewole says

    Lovely one babe.You nailed it and I think every single woman should see things the way you see it and stop judging and feeling superior. I have missed you. We really need to catch up. Ronke

    • REPLY

      Shola Okubote says

      Thanks Ronke, oh yes, we need to catch up!

  2. REPLY

    Tessa Doghor says

    I intend to marry the man who understands that I have dreams and visions to acconplish, who also has his own dreams and vision but is willing to support me as I support him also.
    A man who also understands that God has a mandate for me to fulfil also and believes thr mandate and believes me also.
    Time let’s you know what you want, really!

    • REPLY

      Shola Okubote says

      Hello Tessa, thanks for your comment. Yes I agree, it is important to know whatyou really want and expect in marriage.

  3. REPLY

    Bimpe says

    You have said it all… Respecting each others choices and understanding that we all are different is the only way forward. Beautiful piece

    • REPLY

      Shola Okubote says

      Thank you Bimpe 🙂

  4. REPLY

    aloted says

    Long time Shola! how are you!
    I enjoyed reading this..I feel you on everything particularly the cooking! Some women will tell u because you don’t like to cook or clean you are lazy… um no i would rather outsource those things so i can force on what I actually enjoy doing 🙂
    We all have different paths and should embrace this difference. Thanks for the reminder!

    • REPLY

      Shola Okubote says

      Hello Aloted, yes long time! It is good to read from you, I am glad you enjoyed reading this.

  5. REPLY

    Bukola says

    I feel you just read my mind,every should know what she wants and never berate the other lady for her choice, and when will the church ever accept the fact that God loves us all, wayward rahab,widowed ruth, demon possessed mary magadelene, and holy Mary. stay brave.

    • REPLY

      Shola Okubote says

      Thanks for your comment Bukola. So true, there is so much in the Bible to constantly remind us that God loves us all!

  6. REPLY

    Nana A says

    Great read. we need more women like you!

    • REPLY

      Shola Okubote says

      Thank you Nana 🙂

  7. REPLY

    chinelo konwea says

    Great write up,thumbs up.I have had to consciously tell/remind myself (i grew up with a longlist of the dos & don’ts expected of ALL women passed down by my mother-bless her????) that just because i don’t like or believe in certain things,I am less of a woman .

  8. REPLY

    Adeyinka Olufemi says

    So nice a piece Shola. In you I see a world changer, a creative analyst and a source of inspiration and well being not only to the women folks…but to as many as the lots who dared/cared to digest ur write-ups. Despite being a man and ur page fan, Could you believe this write up, together with the others iv read on you)have helped restored incredibly and unbelievably the peace and motivation I have endlessly longed for in my family.
    Keep up the good work, so proud of you and may ur pen-ink keep decreasing. God will keep inspiring you. More grace, more impact.

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